Ah, the grand saga of the automotive world, where every legacy automaker once donned the cape of a "Tesla Killer," promising to swoop in and save the market from Elon Musk's electric empire. Fast forward to now, and it seems the only thing these "killers" managed to slay was their own credibility. Here's a light-hearted roast of the media's grand predictions and legacy auto's less-than-stellar performance:
1. The Grand Entrance: Remember when every new electric model from legacy automakers was heralded as the next big thing? The media was abuzz, proclaiming each new release as the "Tesla Killer." Flashy reveals, promises of unparalleled range, and luxury that would make even the Model S blush.
* Reality Check: These cars rolled out, but with all the impact of a feather hitting a brick wall. Tesla's lead in battery technology, software, and charging infrastructure wasn't just a lead; it was a marathon finish line.
2. The Charging Conundrum: Legacy automakers thought they could just plug into the existing gas station model. But, as it turns out, charging an electric vehicle isn't like filling up at a gas station. It's more like waiting for your coffee at Starbucks, but with less chit-chat and more actual progress (if you're at a Tesla Supercharger, that is).
* Media's Miss: They overlooked Tesla's Supercharger network, which wasn't just a convenience but a lifestyle change for EV owners. Legacy auto's attempts? More like trying to brew coffee with a candle.
3. The Software Fiasco: Tesla's cars are rolling computers, updating overnight like your phone. Legacy auto? They're still trying to figure out if they should include a USB port or not.
* Burn: The media praised these vehicles for their "innovative" tech, only for owners to discover their "innovative" infotainment system was slower than watching grass grow.
4. The Price Tag Paradox: Legacy automakers priced their EVs like they were selling gold-plated chariots. Meanwhile, Tesla was busy making electric vehicles accessible, not just to the elite but to the everyman.
* Media's Oopsie: They forgot to mention that while these "Tesla Killers" were indeed luxurious, they were also priced like a small island in the Maldives.
5. The Range Game: Every new model was supposed to outrange Tesla. Yet, here we are, with Tesla still setting the benchmark, while others struggle with real-world range that's more like a hopeful suggestion than a guarantee.
* The Burn: "Introducing the new [Insert Luxury Brand] EV, with a range that'll get you to the next town... if you're driving in a straight line, with no wind, and maybe if you hold your breath."
6. The Cultural Miss: Tesla isn't just a car; it's a community. Tesla owners meet at Superchargers, share stories, and form a sort of electric vehicle enthusiasts' club. Legacy auto? They're still trying to figure out why people aren't forming fan clubs over their EVs.
* Media's Misstep: They underestimated the power of community and brand loyalty, thinking hardware alone could win the race. Turns out, in the EV world, it's not just about the car; it's about the culture.
So, to all those media outlets and analysts who predicted the rise of "Tesla Killers" from legacy auto, here's a gentle reminder: Maybe next time, before you crown a new king, check if they've even learned to ride a bike yet. Tesla's not just ahead; it's in a different race altogether. And as for legacy auto, perhaps it's time to stop trying to kill Tesla and start trying to catch up. But hey, at least they're keeping us entertained with their attempts!
Oh, and for all those mainstream auto media that the companies suck up to because the know they have you in the tank....You have a wonderful future at a 2nd or 3rd tier fast food restaurant!